C L I C H É F I E L D
by LovaAtHeart
Summary: In the following you will find one of two things: either a spoof of the movie "Cloverfield", or a guild of demonic monkeys. If it's the latter, it means you will die a long and painful death. Fortunately, it'll probably be the Cloverfield spoof.


Update: Fixed a few typos, added a line in the building crossing part. Organized it a bit better. Yay.

**TRAILER:**

Girl at party: Guys… He's coming… Come on, let's go.

People: Surprise!

Rob: Um… what are you people doing in my apartment?

Guy in crowd: We're throwing you a party!

Rob: Seriously, guys, I just got a new carpet. Look, you spilled your drink on- oh, geez, be careful with that…

Guy in crowd: Why would you get a new carpet if you're leaving?

Rob: …Huh… Didn't think of that…

(Cuts to interviewing people)

Marlena: Who's this for?

Hud: It's for Rob, say something to him before he leaves.

Marlena: Who's Rob?

Hud: Um… Rob… You know, Rob…

Marlena: …I don't know who you're talking about.

Hud: Look, I hired you act like his friend, just go with the flow, okay?

Eleven Dollars Guy: You owe me eleven dollars. (Little did he know he would soon become an internet phenomenon)

Asian guy: How're you going to survive without Rob, he's like, your main dude.

Hud: I dunno. Hey, Rob, how am I going to survive without you?

Rob: For the last time, Hud, I'm going to a spa for the weekend.

Hud: Just play along! Seriously, is that so hard? I thought we rehearsed this!

(Roar and earthquake)

Girl at party: …It sounded like an animal… Maybe a zebra… I like zebras…

News reporter: Phone calls are pouring into the New York 1 news room as… Damnit, Bob, I told you to fix the date on the screen!

Bob: Oh, sorry. (changes date from January 18th to May 23rd)

Jason: My Slusho shirt says we should go on the roof.

(On the roof)

Hud: Maybe you should've left town a little earlier…

Rob: Hud, it was just a little earthquake. Seriously, it's fi-

(Explosion)

Rob: …Of course.

Hud (while running down stairs): Rob! Rob, I saw a face in the explosion!

Rob: You're just seeing things.

(On the streets)

Lily: Has anyone seen Jason?

Marlena: Oh my God, where's Jason?!

Hud: Rob! Look, there's the monster in the smoke!

Rob: Seriously, Hud, just shut up.

Lily: What is it, is it coming this way?

Guy: I saw it, it's alive it's huge!

Jason: You could've just said it was a giant monster, geez. My Slusho shirt is very disappointed in you.

Lily: Aren't you supposed to missing?

(Statue of Liberty's head flies down the street)

Hud: Rob! Look, a face on the statue head!

Rob: …Yes, Hud. There is a face on the statue's head.

Hud: HA! Got one!

CLICHÉFIELD

Guy: Uh, Joe, we weren't supposed to release the title yet.

Joe: Really? Oh, sh-

2-14-08

**TRAILER 2:**

MULTIPLE SIGHTINGS OF CASE DESIGNATE "CLICHéFIELD"

CAMERA RETRIEVED AT INCIDENT SITE U.S. 447

BECAUSE WE'RE TOO COOL TO SAY "CENTRAL PARK"

(Rewind to Rob walking in)

People: Surprise!

(Cuts to roof, where camera pans to explosion)

Guy on roof: OH SHNAYAP! (not a typo, sound it out)

(Cuts to Statue of Liberty's head being thrown down the street)

Guy (is it Hud?): OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I FAILED MY MATH EXAM! OH MY GOD!

(Cuts to Rob)

Rob: My name is Josesph Mc- no, wait, that's not right... Um, my name is Pry- no, that's the army guy... Er, my name is Oprah Wi- what? Wait, don't tell me, I know this... Uh... (reads Slusho name tag) Oh! Right. Uh, yeah, my name is Robert Hawkins, approx- (camera cuts out, and you hear Rob's voice) Hey! I wasn't done!

(Cuts to Rob on phone)

Rob: Beth? Beth, where are you? (turns around) Oh, uh, there you are... Um, could you go back to your apartment? I want to be heroic and stuff. So, uh, do you mind?

Beth: (shrugs) Okay. (walks away)

(Cuts to military base)

Old Military Guy: Do you have any idea what's out there?

Rob: I don't care what's out there, listen to me, she's dying!

Military Guy: You realize that the thing out there is the _reason_ she's dying, right?

Rob: Oh yeah.

(Cuts to convenience store)

Hud: Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob!

Rob: Hud, I'm listening!

Hud: Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob!

(Cuts to military attacking monster)

Hud: Uh, guys... The monster's over there... (points in other direction)

Armyman: Oh... So it is... (turns around and starts shooting in other direction)

(Cuts back to convenience store)

Hud: Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob! Rob!

(Cuts to subway)

Marlena: What was that?

Hud: Oh, that was just a mini-monster.

Marlena: Oh, okay. (keeps walking)

(Cuts back to convenience store)

Hud: Rob! Rob! Rob!

Rob: Hud, seriously, just spit it out!

Hud: Rob! Rob! I saw it! It's- (window crashes)

Rob: Oh, for the love of-

(Cuts to helicopter scene)

Rob, Beth, and Hud: AHHHHHH! (pause) AHHH! (pause) ...ahhh... (pause)

Hud: Um... why haven't he hit the ground yet?

Helicopter Pilot: Just shut up and scream.

Rob Beth, and Hud: AHHH!

CLICHéFIELD

In theaters 2-14-08

**TV SPOT #1**

Rob: …Seven hours ago, some thing attacked the city.

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: Some thing… has found us.

Rob: W-what…? What was that?

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: Their only hope…

Rob: Ah! It's a voice in my head! Get it out! Get it out!

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: …Is each other…

Rob: AH! (shoots self)

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: What? Oh, geez… Um… Yeah, sorry about that… Um, I'll be walking away now… Heh heh… (somehow runs away, even though he's just a voice)

CLICHÉFIELD

2-14-08

**TV Spot #2 "Breathe"**

Rob: …Something attacked the city.

(You hear Rob breathing in the background)

Rob (in background, coughing): Hey, uh… anyone got a Ricola?

Matt Reeves: No, no, no, Michael, you can't cough! We've been over this! You have to breathe heavily!

Rob: Okay, I'll try. Huh… Huh… HuACHOO!

Matt Reeves: That's it. This is hopeless.

Rob: Look, Matt, it's just a TV Spot, it's fine. We don't even have to air it.

Matt Reeves: Of course we have to air it! How else are we going to promote the movie?

Rob: …With the million other TV spots we have…

Matt Reeves: Let's just ask JJ what he thinks.

JJ Abrams: 274e5283629svw39dfw39dsg

Rob: Oh, good job. Now we have to decode that.

CLICHÉFIELD

2-14-08

**TV Spot #48**

Rob: …city.

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: Now…

Lily: What IS that?!

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: …Watch as we recycle clips from every other TV Spot…

Jason: We don't know what we saw, the point is, it's still here!

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: …And put them in a different order…

Hud: People are gonna want to know… how it all went down.

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: …To make it look like something new and significant.

Guy: I saw it, it's alive, it's huge!

CLICHÉFIELD

Deep Voiced Narrator Guy: …With a cool yet pointless new title font.

2-14-08

**THE MOVIE**

**WARNING: THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT CONTAINS INSANE SPOILERS OF THE MOVIE "CLOVERFIELD". ****REALLY.**** I'M NOT KIDDING. I'M SERIOUS. IN FACT, I'M MORE SERIOUS THAN SERIOUS CAT. AND SERIOUS CAT IS VERY SERIOUS. ANYWAYS, HERE'S YOUR CLOVERFIELD SPOOF.**

(Screen black. Handwritten on the screen says: "PROPURTY OF THE US GUVERMINT". Cuts to colored bars, then to a screen saying "MULTIPLE SIGHTINGS OF CASE DESIGNATE...". You hear voices in the background.)

Guy 1: Hey, uh, Dave, what should we call this thing?

Dave: I don't know, Bill. Let's think, this is about a giant, terrifying monster attacking New York City...

Bill: Hey, I had some Lucky Charms this morning, and they had clover-shaped marshmellows. Clover! Cloverfield!

Dave: Um, Bill, I don't think that's a very fitting-

(The word "CLOVERFIELD" is typed onto the screen)

Dave: Ugh, whatever.

(Cuts to new screen saying "CAMERA RETRIEVED AT INCIDENT- OH, WHY BOTHER? IT'S JUST THE SAME THING AS THE TRAILER. SEE YA, I'M OFF TO GET SOME COFEE." Then cuts to Beth's apartment.)

Rob: Well, here we are, at Beth's dad's place. He's out of town... Just thought I'd tell you that. Hey, Beth.

(Beth is on the bed, obviously nude, covered in sheets.)

Rob: Hey, Beth...

Beth: Rob, I told you, I'm not making a porn video.

Rob: Aw, come on, you're just shy.

Beth: You know, I've never been to Coney Island before.

Rob: I really don't care. Come on, your Dad's gone, this is our only chance.

Beth: Actually, he's in the other room.

Rob: Oh... Um... Let's go to Coney Island!

(Cuts to Jason holding camera, walking down the streets and then into a convenience store)

Jason: Hey, how do I work this thing? I can't tell if this is the on button or the zoom.

Lily: That would be an orange, Jason.

Jason: Sure it is, Lily. You just keep telling yourself that, babe. (winks)

Lily: Ugh, come on. People are going to start coming in an hour.

Jason: So, when are people going to start coming?

Lily: ...An hour...

Jason: Or so you think...

(Cuts to Lily holding camera while Hud's putting a sign up.)

Lily: Hud? I need you to interview people at the party, okay? Jason's recording with fruit again.

Hud: huhwhat?

Lily: Just take this camera. And make sure you jerk it around as much as possible, okay? Thanks.

Hud: huhkaywhatever.

Lily: Alright, record me. Okay, Rob, I know we're not family, yet-

Hud: HEYLOOKMARLENAKOOL!

Lily: Hud, what're you-? Oh, what's the point... (walks away)

(Cuts to Rob walking in)

People: Surprise!

Rob: Oh, wow!

People: Speech!

Rob: Uh, how about no. I don't even know half of you people.

People: Aw, come on!

Rob: Okay, fine. Um... I have a dream...

People: Never mind!

Rob: Hey, Hud, how do they all talk in unison like that?

Hud: huhidunno. heyyoosurprisedatall?

Rob: Nah, this scene was in all the trailers... Hud, are you drunk again?

Hud: whatnowhatjootalkinbout.

Rob: Snap out of it! (slaps Hud)

Hud: JJABRAMS!

Rob: What?

Hud: theproducerofthemovie!

Rob: What movie? What're you talking about?

Hud: theonewereinmoron!

Rob: Oh, right... Um, why are you saying that in front of the camera?

Hud: causeuhidunno...

Rob: Hud...

Hud: wedunnowatthismoviebout.

Rob: Yeah, that's true, we don't. We need to figure it out.

(Cuts to people standing in the kitchen)

Rob: Alright, roll call. Let's see, me, Hud, Jason, Lily, Beth's who knows where, Marlena, and... Eleven Dollars Guy?

EDG: Yo dawg, what up homie?

Rob: Who invited him?

Lily: Nobody invites Eleven Dollars Guy to parties except Eleven Dollars Guy.

EDG: Tru dat.

Rob: Never mind. Okay, guys, I called all of you over here because Hud brought up a good point. We don't know what this movie's about. All we know is it's produced by JJ Abrams, which means there's going to be tons of easter eggs in here.

Jason: Oh, is it Easter already?

Rob: ...No, Jason, not that kind of easter egg...

Jason: Suuuure it isn't. I gotcha. (thumbs up)

Rob: Just shout out some ideas.

Marlena: Maybe it's 27 Dresses. That comes out soon, right?

Hud: omgmarlenashot.

Rob: Hud, focus!

Hud: iamfocusing...

Rob: (sigh) Anyone else?

EDG: Yo, dawg, wat 'bout Voltron?

Rob: Voltron? What're you talking about? It can't be-

Lily: (GASP) ELEVEN DOLLARS GUY SAID VOLTRON! THEREFORE, IT MUST BE TRUE!

Marlena: Whoah, it's, like, Voltron...

Hud: yeahiknowitskoolhehhehhuminahumina.

Jason: Whoah, it's a huge robotic lion. That's... cool.

Rob: Guys! Just because Eleven Dollars Guy said it, doesn't mean it's true!

(Roar and earthquake)

Lily: You were saying?

Rob: It could be anything. Come on, let's go check it out.

(Everyone goes in the living room to turn on the TV)

News reporter: Here, we have exclusive video of Voltron capsizing an oil tanker.

Rob: That's it, I quit.

(On the screen, Clover comes out from the ocean and completely owns Voltron)

Jason: Hey, guys... Let's go on the roof... Over there...

Lily: Sure, we can get a better view. Hey, guys, follow me. The roof's this way.

Jason: What? I don't think going on the roof is a good idea...

Lily: You really scare me sometimes, Jason.

Jason: Maybe I'm just a scary guy. (poses to camera)

(On the roof)

Hud: maybeyoushouldalefttownalittleearlier...

Rob: Well, _I_ wanted to. _I_ wanted to leave last week. _I_ said there was a giant monster attacking the city today, but you guys were all "_noooo_, we have to prepare, bla bla bla". If we all die, I blame you.

(Explosion)

Hud: heywasntthatdifferentinthetrailer?

Lily: Just shut up and run!

Hud: huhkaykool.

(On the streets)

Lily: Where's Jason?!

Rob: Has anyone seen Jason?!

Jason: Where's Jason? WHERE'S JASON?

Lily: There you are!

Jason: I am?

Monster movie nerd: Hi guys!

Rob: Um... Who are you?

Monster movie nerd: Wow I hope it's Godzilla that would be cool like in that one movie where he beat Mothra that was awesome but not like the 1998 Godzilla that was a disgrace so now I hope it's not Godzilla so maybe it's Cthulhu because he's a demon and comes from the sea and it would be awesome because the last Cthulhu movie was terrible because they never showed- (gets plowed by the Statue of Liberty's head)

Lily: Was that Cookson?

(Thump, camera swings around to see monster walking between buildings)

Hud: ZOMGDIDYOUGUIZSEETHAT?!

Marlena: Sorry, I was too busy staring at Jason's Slusho shirt.

Hud: omgeasteregg

(Building collapses and everyone runs into convenience store)

Jason: What? You live right next to a convenience store? Lucky!

Lily: Jason, we were here earlier today...

Rob: There are people still out there!

Marlena: Who cares? My hair's filthy!

Lily: I thought you were outside...?

Hud: robrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobheyrobrobrobrob

Rob: Oh, not this again...

Lily: What's wrong with him?

Rob: It's Broken Record disease, this usually goes on for hours.

Hud: robrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrob

(Jason hits Hud in the back of the head)

Jason: Fun fun! Teehee...

Hud: robrobrobisawitrobrobrobitsalive

Rob: It's unlocked? Well, duh, the storekeeper didn't have a chance to lock the door.

Lily: Of course it's a loss, people probably died out there.

Marlena: A lion? We already said it wasn't Voltron...

Jason: Look at all these cameras! (loots fruit isle)

Hud: nonoisaiditsaliveidiot

Rob: Well, of course it's alive. We already saw it own Voltron on the news.

Hud: shutup

Jason: Hi mom! We're being attacked by a giant monster! Wish you were here to see this! Weeee!

Lily: Jason, put the orange down and come here. Look, seems like the debris is clearing up.

Jason: Teehee! (throws orange at Hud)

Hud: Ow! Idiot...

Rob: Hud!

Hud: What?

Rob: You're talking! Like... normal!

Hud: Yeah... I've ALWAYS talked like this...

Rob: What about- never mind.

(Everyone walks outside)

Marlena: I saw it... It was, like, eating people. It was SO uncool. (files nails)

Hud: Wait, guys, I saw it!

Rob: We all did.

Hud: But I got it on camera. What now, foo?

(As Hud's rewinding, shows clip of Rob and Beth on train)

Beth: OH MY GOD! A train! I like trains! Do you like trains Rob? Do you, huh? Do ya?

Rob: ...Yes, Beth. I like trains.

Beth: Oh, my God, so do I! This is so-

(Cuts back)

Rob: Um, Hud... That looked absolutely nothing like the monster.

Hud: Of course that was the monster... I don't know what you're talking about...

Rob: Hud, what did you do?

Hud: Nothing, I swear! (whistles)

Rob: Hud...

Hud: Okay, fine! I added some effects to make it interesting.

Rob: Added effects? How did you- never mind. What else did you do?

Hud: Nothing, I sw-

(Rob grabs the camera and it cuts for a second back to the train scene, where Beth has a drawn-on mustache, then cuts back)

Hud: I had a lot of time on my hands, okay?

Jason: We don't know what we saw, the point is, it's still here!

Rob: Uh, actually, we do know what we saw. A giant monster.

Jason: What? Oh, I was just reading that anti-Bush bumper sticker.

Lily: We should head towards the Brooklyn Bridge, that's probably the safest way to go.

Rob: You do realize the monster came from the sea, right? It thrives in water, the bridge is a terrible idea.

Jason: Yay bridges! (runs toward bridge)

Rob: (sigh) Fine...

(On the bridge)

Rob: Hey guys, wait up a moment, I'm getting a call...

Lily: Who cares, we need to get out of here.

Rob: Just wait.

Lily: Fine. Come here, Jason.

Jason: Look at me! I'm climbing a bridge supporter! This is fun!

Rob: Yeah? Yeah, that magazine. Yes, I'd like to resubscribe. Okay, my address is 5647, First Street...

Lily: Rob, what're you doing? A giant monster's attacking!

Rob: Good point, Lily. Yeah, actually, change the address to... Hey, Lily, where do you think we're going to live?

Lily: Just come on.

(Hud pans over to burning tanker, then to Statue of Liberty, then to guy pointing an orange at him)

Lily (yeah, I know she isn't the one who says it in the movie, deal with it): Still filming?

Hud: Yeah. people are gonna want to know... How it all-

Rob: Hud, NO!

(Monster attacks bridge, killing Jason)

Rob: NOOOOO! I PAID TWENTY DOLLARS FOR THAT SLUSHO SHIRT! And it took four weeks to get here! Next time I'm ordering it off ...

(Everyone's running away)

Hud: What was that?!

Rob: Hud, that's the monster! Whatever you do, don't say anything cheesy, cliché, or obviously scripted! That just angers it!

Lily: How do you know?

Rob: Oh, well, um...

Lily: You knew about the monster this whole time and didn't even tell us!?

Rob: I didn't want you to panic!

Marlena: Well, that worked.

(They stop and rest)

Hud: Wow... I can't believe Jason died... Rob, you just lost your brother. What are you going to do now?

Rob: ...I think I'm going to loot an electronics store. (runs across street)

Hud: (shrugs) Works for me. (follows him)

(In the store, while Rob is finding a new battery for his phone, Hud pans to the news)

News reporter: Breaking news! We have live footage of a horrible creature terrorizing the nation!

(Shows clips of Hilary Clinton giving a speech somewhere in Wyoming)

News reporter: In other news, a giant monster's wiping out New York. Live footage with our star NYC reporter, Sally McFoggleskins.

Sally McFoggleskins: Thanks, Bobette. Here we are live at the scene, where we're going to show as little of the monster as humanly possible, just to tease you guys! The monster seems to be using a building as a backscratcher... Something's coming off of it... They're little monsters! Hah! Take, that, Jim!

Jim (news cameraman): Fine, you win... (hands her fifty dollars)

Lily: JASON!

(Everyone looks over to see Jason playing video games)

Jason: What?

Hud: You're alive!

Jason: Oh, yeah. I swam over here.

Lily: ...Sure...

Hud: Hey, Rob! Jason's alive!

Rob: Sorry, don't care, gotta find Beth...

Hud: Rob... Your brother survived a monster attack, and Beth's all you can think about?

Rob: Shut up, Hud... Yes! The battery fits!

(Turns on phone and listens to message)

Beth (on phone): Oh, Rob... Help me… I'm in my apartment... Ooh, that tickles... Heehee, hey! Stop it... Haha... So, do you mind risking your life to come save me? I'm tired, I don't feel like getting up. (end message)

Rob: Oh no, Beth's in danger. Come on, guys, we have to go save her!

Lily: Rob, she can save herself. Come on, we have to get out of here.

Rob: But… Beth… All the good times we had together…

(Cuts to memories of Rob and Beth, including the two going to Coney Island and petting llamas at a petting zoo, then cuts back)

Hud: Wait, that's it? That's all the memories you have of her?

Rob: …How did you get my memories on a video camera?

Lily: Look, guys, let's just get out of here.

(Tail crashes into the store, killing Jason… again…)

Hud: Why does he keep getting killed by the monster?

Rob: Oh, don't worry, it happens, like, twice a week. He'll pop up somewhere in about ten pages.

(The four walk out of the store)

Marlena: Okay, Rob, what're you doing? We cannot go into the middle of the city!

Rob: Right. WE aren't. You guys are going to go save Beth, and I'm getting out of Manhattan, capiche? Now hurry up, and get me a taco while you're out.

Lily: …I'm coming with you.

Hud: Lily, don't. That'll just leave me alone with Marl- on second thought, go on.

Lily: Look, we can't save her without you. You're the only one who knows where she lives.

Rob: …Okay, fine, you win. I'll go, but you all have to come with me. Deal?

Lily: Deal.

Marlena: Who are you people?

(Army pops out of nowhere)

Hud: Where did they come from?

Armyman: Oh, we've been following you this whole time. We can be quiet when we want to.

Hud: …Sure…

Armyman: So, if you don't mind, we have a monster to kill.

Hud: Hey, there are air sacks on the side of its head. They could be a weak point. Try aiming for those, it might work.

Armyman: I would, but they only appear on the monster at the end of the movie.

Hud: What scene?

Armyman: The part where you-

Other Armyman: MONSTER!

Armyman: Soldiers! Use your machine guns to fire at the monster! Even though they're only like grains of sand to it, I'm sure it'll be effective!

Hud: ROB! ROB!

(Rob's pointing to Hud's left)

Hud: You're running towards the monster? You really are an idiot!

(They run towards the subway, you see the monster's face, they all fall down into the subway)

Rob: Hud! Hud!

Hud: Geez, I'm fine. I just fell so it could look like I died in the trailer. And leave the name-shouting to me, okay?

(Rob pulls out his phone)

Rob: Mom… Mom, Jason's dead… yes, again… He got attacked by a giant monster… no, I'm not joking! This isn't a prank! …No, it wasn't Godzilla. Power Rangers? What part of giant monster don't you understand? Pokemon? Are you serious? Wait, what? Look, it's not Voltron… I don't care what Eleven Dollars Guy said! …What? Yeah, that's his name. "Charlie" is his mortal alter-ego. Okay, fine, it WAS Voltron at the beginning, but then it- mom! Just let me- ugh, never mind. Goodbye. (hangs up)

(Looking at map)

Rob: Hey, guys… We could walk the tunnels.

Lily: …There are mini-monsters down there, you know that right?

Rob: What mini-monsters?

Hud: …You didn't watch the news, did you?

Rob: What news?

Hud: The news that was on while you were listening to Beth's message!

Rob: Who's Beth?

Marlena: UGH! It's just a bad idea, okay?

Rob: Look, it's either that or stay here.

Lily: Well, we COULD stay here for the night and wait for it to pass.

Hud: Good idea, let's do that.

(Five minutes later)

Rob: …I'm bored. Let's go.

Lily: Fine.

(In the dark subway tunnels)

Rob: Hey, I think there's a light on the camera.

Hud: Yeah, I remember it from that Alien Invasion movie I saw on Google Video… Here we go. (turns on light)

Rob: Good.

Hud: Hey. Rob, remember when there was this guy lighting homeless people on fire in the subway?

Rob: Okay, Hud, seriously, what're the odds of that happening?

(Flaming homeless guy runs in front of them)

Rob: …Wasn't that Tom Hanks?

Marlena: Oh my God, this is nasty! Look at these rats!

Rob: They're running…

Marlena: …From what?

(Dramatic chipmunk)

Hud: MAYBE, just MAYBE, they're running because they FEEL like running, huh? Have you thought of that?

Rob: Hud, this is a JJ Abrams movie. That means everything has some significance.

Hud: Here, wait, I think I have nightvision on this thing… Hey, Rob, am I pointing at the mini-monsters?

Rob: …Yeah. There you go.

Hud: Okay, thanks. (turns on nightvision, nothing on ceiling) What? Why isn't anything there?

Rob: This is the MTV version, they couldn't show them in fear that they might get sued.

Hud: Are you telling me we have to go an entire scene running from INVISIBLE mini-monsters?

Lily: Actually, you can just point over there.

(Pans to other direction, where swarms of mini-monsters come down to attack)

Hud: RUN! COME ON GUYS, LET'S RUN RIGHT NOW! KEEP RUNNING! RUN! RUN! KEEP RUNNING!

Rob: Hud, we get the point.

Hud: COME ON GUYS! LET'S RUN! RUN! THAT WAY! OVER THERE! AWAY FROM THE MINI-MONSTERS! IN THE DIRECTION OPPOSITE OF WHICH WE CAME!

Rob: HUD!

Hud: Sorry, got a bit carried away.

(Marlena beats a mini-monster off of Hud)

Hud: Hey, Marlena, thanks for that.

Marlena: AH! HELP! IT'S ON ME! GET IT OFF!

Hud: As I was saying, I really appreciate-

Marlena: HUD! KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE IT- AGH! IT BIT ME! OW!

Hud: -that you would risk your life to help me from that thing…

Rob: Hud, come on! (beats mini-monster off Marlena)

(The four go into room)

Rob: Now, watch as I magically pull Dasani water bottles from an Aquafina machine…

Hud: Hey, Marlena… Thanks again for saving me…

Marlena: (passed out on floor)

Hud: No, I know you're like that…

Lily: Hud, are you having hallucinations again?

Hud: Of course not! …Shut up, Marlena, can't you see we're talking here?

Marlena: (still passed out on floor)

Rob: Ah, here we go.

Hud: Here, Rob let me help you put that water on Marlena's wound…

Rob: Wound? Oh, no, I'm just really thirsty. (chugs down water) Mmm… nothing like Zephyrhills water from an Aquafina bottle from a Dasani machine…

Lily: I thought you said it was a Dasani bottle from an Aquafina machine…?

Rob: Oh, it's but more of my magic…

Lily: Come on, guys, let's go.

Hud: Okay. Come on, Marlena.

Marlena: (still passed out on floor)

Rob: Ugh. Let's go. (carries Marlena on his shoulder)

(Walk into clothing store)

Marlena: Oh… I feel dizzy…

Rob: …I thought you were unconscious?

Marlena: …Oh yeah. (passes out)

Pryce (military guy): Halt, you four! (pulls out gun)

Rob: What? What do you want from us?

Pryce: Just wanted to say you dropped your Evian bottle cap.

Rob: Oh, thanks. (picks it up and puts it on Perrier bottle)

Lily: Can't you save us or something?

Pryce: Sure, why not? Follow me.

(Takes them to military camp)

Lily: Do you know what that thing is?

Pryce: Whatever it is, it's winning.

(Monster roars)

Pryce: Right forgot. Remember, don't say anything cliché, cheesy, or obviously scripted.

Rob: Right, it angers the monster.

Pryce: Wait, how did you know?

Rob: I work for Slusho, the told me.

Pryce: …Never mind. Anyways, we gotta take this Clover down.

Rob: Wait, wait, wait… Clover?

Pryce: The name of the monster.

Rob: Why was it named Clover? That's got to be the stupidest name for a monster I've ever heard.

Pryce: It was either that, Greyshot, Gwaka, or Mister Grumpy Pants.

Rob: …I see your point.

Lily: Ugh… Look at them, wheeling that guy with his guts hanging out…

Jason: Hey guys!

Marlena: Jason… What happened to you…?

Jason: I exploded. It was pretty cool. You should try it some time.

(Jason gets wheeled away)

Rob: Why do I have this very bad feeling of foreshadowing?

Old Military Guy: You can't go out there!

Rob: Listen, I don't care what's out there, okay? It's my fault… It's my fault for everything… It's all me… (takes out knife)

Nurse: EMO! WE'VE GOT AN EMO! (tackles Rob and takes knife away)

Marlena: …I don't feel so good…

OMG: Shut up, nobody cares if you're sick. Go see a doctor or something, get a flu shot.

(Marlena starts bleeding from the eyes)

Other Nurse: (sigh) Okay, guys, we got another bite…

(Biohazard guys drag Marlena away)

Marlena: HUD! HUD!

Hud: Yeah?

Marlena: HUD! HUD!

Hud: Marlena, you know the name-shouting's getting old. It was funny when I did it, but then Rob copied me, and now you…

Marlena: HUD! HU- (explodes)

Hud: OO

Lily: OO

Rob (pauses from fighting nurse for knife): OO

Jason: OO (gets killed by monster tail)

(Flaming homeless Tom Hanks runs across screen)

Hud: What… just… happened…

Lily: (shrugs) Oh well.

(Everyone unfreezes and acts like nothing happened)

Hud: I seem to be surprisingly emotionless…

Pryce: Look, if you want to go after her, I'm not gonna stop you. Wait- what's on my face?

Rob: It seems to be pixilation.

Pryce: AH! Get it off! Get it off!

Matt Reeves: Ah, sorry about that. (unpixilizes)

Pryce: Ugh… Here, is your watch working?

Rob: Uh… no.

Pryce: Sucks for you. We'll be doing the Hammerdown operation at 0600 hours.

Rob: Is it so hard to say "6:00 A.M."? It's a lot less confusing.

Pryce: No. We have to talk in code, so nobody can understand us.

Rob: …But everyone knows military time…

Pryce: What? Damn, I thought we had 'em that time… Anyway, point is, we'll level everything during Hammerdown.

Rob: You mean midtown?

Pryce: No, I mean Manhattan.

Rob: So, you gonna nuke it or what?

Pryce: No, that would destroy the camera that's been eavesdropping on our conversation that I seem to be ignoring. Also, it'll leave lethal radiation behind for years to come. Nah, we'll just drop a whole bunch of bombs on it. There'll be explosions. It'll be fun. You'll like it.

Rob: I see. Well, uh, thanks for the help.

Pryce: Well… have fun. Send me a postcard.

Rob: I'll be sure to, Pryce.

Pryce: …How do you know my name?

Rob: I read it on your nametag from that one production still.

Hud: Hooray for documenting!

(Cuts to Beth's apartment)

Hud: Don't tell me that's her place…

Rob: Okay.

Hud: …Is it her place?

Rob: I'm not telling. You told me not to.

Hud: Idiot. Tell me it's her place.

Rob: Yeah, that's her place.

Hud: Uh… ground floor?

Rob: Nah, 39th.

Hud: Fine.

(While climbing up stairs)

Hud: I wonder what this thing is?

Rob: Just keep running, Hud.

Hud: Maybe it's a giant monster… Maybe an evil oil company uncovered it and kept it a secret, but then one of their satellites awakened it, and now it's terrorizing the city, and this whole thing has some relation to an icy beverage…

Rob: That's got to be the most ridiculous theory I've ever heard. Here, let's cross here.

(Where the buildings meet)

Rob: Hey, guys, look… A straight shot, see? Right there.

Lily: I don't know, Rob.

Rob: But, Lily, it's a straight shot. Look! Look at that straight shot! It's a shot, and it's very straight…

Hud: Um, Rob-

Rob: Look at the straightness of that shot… That shot is so straight, much straighter than many other shots… You know, I think the straightness level of that shot… IT'S OVER NINE THOU-

Hud: You are NOT making a Dragon Ball Z reference while we're being attacked by a giant monster! Let's just cross.

Rob: Hud! Put the camera down and come on!

Hud: If this is the last you see of me, it means... I died... Or I turned off the camera... Or I just set it down for a second... something like that.

(A few floors down)

Rob: Here it is.

(Starts kicking door down)

Hud: Um, Rob… You know it's unlocked, right?

Rob: What? Oh… yeah… I knew that… (opens door)

Lily: …Rob?

Rob: Yeah?

Lily: …This isn't Beth's room, is it…?

Rob: Beth? Oh, I thought you wanted the swimming pool. Beth's apartment is on the second floor.

Hud: You've got to be kidding me.

Rob: Come on, let's take the elevator down.

Hud: You're telling me that the elevator- you know what? Never mind.

(In Beth's apartment)

Rob: Beth!

Beth: …Rob… Rob, you came back for me…

Rob: Of course I did, Beth. Hey, can I have that Godzilla DVD you borrowed back? I've been dying to see it again.

Monster movie nerd/Cookson (pops out of nowhere): What Godzilla is it I hope it's the one of the old ones like the one when Godzilla attacked Tokyo for the first time that was a classic but as long as it isn't King Kong which it could be since this takes place in New York but that would be extremely disappointing since the monster's supposed to be original and now I'm talking about real life instead of the movie unless this is all a movie in which crazy things could happen that couldn't in real- (gets plowed by Statue of Liberty's head again)

Beth: …It's… Over there… On the shelf…

Rob: Oh, thanks. Hey! The disc is scratched! I told you to take care of this!

Beth: Rob… I have a pole through my shoulder…

Rob: Excuses, excuses. I told you to guard this with your life!

Lily: Rob!

Rob: Okay, okay, fine, geez… Hud, go put the camera down so that the table leg blocks the graphic view.

Hud: (shrug) Okay.

(After they've pulled her out)

Rob: Alright, guys, let's run!

(All start running down the stairs)

Beth: Come on, run faster!

Hud: Aren't you supposed to be in extreme pain?

Rob: Hud, what time is it?

Hud: I dunno. What time do the choppers take off?

Rob: 0600!

Hud: …Which is?

Rob: 6:00, Hud. You don't even know military time?

Hud: What's military time?

Rob: Wow, they ARE good.

(At the choppers)

Armyman: Alright, get in.

Lily: But… there's only one seat left… And it's… metal?

Armyman: Budget cuts. We had to conserve the leather seats for more important things.

Jason: Woohoo! Look at my awesome leather shoes!

Rob: Jason, why are you in a military uniform?

Jason: Oh, the writer's running out of ideas, so he's just recycling old jokes and characters.

Hud: How would he do that?

(Armyman opens helicopter door to reveal that the pilot is the flaming homeless Tom Hanks)

Rob: I see.

Armyman: Look, just get in the copter, alright? (Pushes Lily in copter and closes the door)

Rob: LILY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU! WE'LL BE RIGHT- hey, look, a bumper sticker. Let's see… it's part of a campaign for Bill Murray for president… huh…

Lily: Hey! What're you doing?! Focus on driving the helicopter! AH! You bit me! Get off- no, I don't know who Wilson is… AH! THE PAIN!

Armyman: She may be the only survivor, but it's still endless torture.

Rob: Only survivor? Wait, that means we-

Armyman: TO THE NEXT COPTER!

(Walks to second chopper that says "ROFLCOPTER" on it, then into it)

Pilot: Hi guys! I'm Eddie, and I'll be your pilot today! Hope you have a nice flight!

Hud: Um… We're being attacked by a giant monster…

Eddie: So we might face a little roughness, but overall, I'm in a great mood! Complementary snacks are being served, as well as the in-flight movie!

(Screen comes down for in-flight movie)

Movie Screen: Coming up- Epic Movie 2: Even Worse Than the Original!

Hud: OH GOD NO! (jumps out helicopter)

Beth: …Is Hud okay?

Rob: He's fine, we haven't even taken off yet.

(In the air)

Rob: Hud, look! A clear shot of the monster!

Hud: Look, a jet! It's bombing it! It killed it! It killed it!

Rob: At least it was better than Godzilla 1998. I mean, seriously, a bridge? At least Clover owned a bridge earlier in the movie.

Beth: Um, guys, it's not dead…

Rob: What're you talking about? It just died!

Beth: Actually, it's staring right at us… Oh my God, I think it's going to attack the copter!

Hud: IT'S DEAD, OKAY?!

(Monster attacks chopper)

Rob: AH! We're spinning out of control for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

Beth: You do realize the monster just-

Rob: NO REASON!

Eddie: Hi, guys! I have great news! We're spiraling out of control! I hope we don't die!

(Crashes)

Radio: Well… We're commencing Hammerdown now… May God help-

Voice (cuts into other voice): Yeah, I'll take a number 12, without the severed heads-

First radio guy: -see if we can… here we go. That McDonalds always interferes with our connection… Anyways, may God help us all…

(Beth and Hud drag Rob out of the copter)

Hud: It's a good thing we somehow came out of that helicopter crash unharmed.

Rob: AH! MY LEG! OH, IT BURNS!

Hud: How did we manage to completely not see the giant monster above us?

Rob: What monster?

Hud (staring up at monster): W-what do I do…

Beth: Don't say anything cheesy! Improvise, Hud! IMPROVISE!

Hud: Oh, uh, hey there… Um, how's it going? How 'bout them gas prices, huh…? And what about airplane food? Huh? What's the deal with- (gets eaten)

Clover: Hm… You know what this needs? Saffron!

Clover's Dad: Now, Remy, you can't interfere with the humans! It's dangerous!

Clover: But… I don't want to be a thief, dad! I want to be a great chef!

Clover's dad: Yeah, well, rats can't be chefs, now spit it out.

Clover: Fine. (spits out Hud) I'm going back to Gusteau's.

(Cuts to bridge)

Rob: My… my name is Robert Hawkins… Approximately seven hours ago, something attacked the city… and by something I mean a GIANT FREAKING MONSTER! Anyways… It killed my best friend, Hudson Platt, though I'm not gonna lie, the whole eating him thing WAS pretty cool… It killed my brother, Jason Hawkins, multiple times… And Marlena Diamond, I don't know what happened to her… Seriously, she exploded or something. It kind of freaks me out. Anyways, it's May 23rd…

Beth: …W…What…? I thought it was January 18th.

Rob: No, it's definitely May 23rd. The camera says it. The camera doesn't lie.

Beth: But what about the photos on ? They had timestamps of 1/18/08.

Rob: What? Oh, I didn't follow the viral marketing.

Beth: You… you didn't?

Rob: Nah.

Beth: How could you? I spent the last six months preparing for this!

Rob: Just say your name and stuff.

Beth: Fine… My name is Beth McIntyre… I don't know why this is happening…

Voice: I do!

Beth: What?

Voice: Smile- you're on Candid Camera!

Rob and Beth: OO

Voice: That's right! Hi, I'm Steve. You're entire adventure was caught on tape!

Rob: You're telling me… that this was all a set-up…?

Steve: Correct!

Rob: So, this is all fake? None of this actually happened?

Steve: No, we released a giant monster on New York City, just to see your reactions!

Rob: …You're kidding, right?

Steve: …Will it help to tell you that there's going to be a sequel in Miami?

Rob: Well, the military's bombing the city. And soon we're all going to die because of that.

Steve: Huh… Didn't think of that…

(Explosions)

Rob: I love you!

Beth: I love you too!

Steve: I love everything!

Rob: Waaaaait a minute… (examines Beth) You're not Lizzy Caplan!

Matt Reeves: …Yes it is. Now shut up and kiss.

Rob: But… I thought I was saving Lizzy Caplan… Who ARE you?!

Beth: I'm Odette Yu-

Matt Reeves: IT'S LIZZY CAPLAN, OKAY?! (whispers to Beth) Just play along, it's the only way he'll act.

Beth: No! That's it, I quit! And, for the record, I'm Odette Yustman.

Rob: NOOO! ALL MY LIFE IS A LIE! LIES! (takes out knife and goes out on murderous rampage)

Matt Reeves: Hey, nameless editor… let's cut this part, okay?

Flaming Homeless Tom Hanks: WHAHAHAHAHA! (attacks Matt Reeves)

(Cuts to Coney Island)

Rob: So, we only have a few seconds left on this ridiculously long battery. Got anything to say?

Beth: …I had a good day.

(During these lines, an object falls from the sky into the ocean, then Clover comes out and starts attacking, people start screaming, and Rob and Beth don't notice. Then cuts to government room)

Gov. Guy 1: So, there it is. Case Designate "Cloverfield".

Gov Guy 2: Is that all, Fluffykins?

Gov. Guy 1: …I told you not to call me that in public…

Gov. Guy 2: Oh, well. Is that all?

Gov. Guy 1: Well, there is one more thing. We found this orange in a convenience store. (puts orange in player)

Jason (playing on screen): Hi mom! We're being attacked by a giant monster! Wish you were here to see this! Weeee!

Lily: Jason, put the orange down and come here. Look, seems like the debris is clearing up.

Jason: Teehee! (throws orange at Hud)

Hud: Ow! Id-

Gov. Guy 1: That's all.

Gov. Guy 2: That's all you could recover? Seriously?

Gov. Guy 1: Um… yeah…

Gov. Guy 2: You're fired.

Gov. Guy 1: Aw, man.

Gov. Guy 2: Now give me your Bluetooth.

Gov. Guy 1: Do I have to? It's all hands-free and cool and-

Gov. Guy 2: GIVE ME THE BLUETOOTH.

Gov. Guy 1: Fine. (hands him Bluetooth)

(Fades to black, shows credits)

CREDITS

Rob………………………………………………...Michael Stahl-David

Hud……………………………………………..Whoever was holding the camera at the time

Jason………………………………………………………………………..Mike Vogel on drugs

Lily…………………………………………………………………………………..Jessica Lucas

Marlena…………………………………………………….Who cares, she freaking exploded!

Beth………………………………………………………...A compilation of all our nightmares

Eleven Dollars Guy……………………………………………………………………..…Himself

Tom Hanks………………………………………………………………………………...Himself

The civilian that ran from the monster in scene 7 in the green shirt…………...John Smith

Directed by………………………………………………………………..…M. Night Shamaylan

Produced by………………….JJ Abrams (fanboys squeal), and some Bryan Burk guy too

Stunt Double for Eleven Dollars Guy……………………………………………..Chuck Norris

Geez, these credits are moving really slow. Seriously, how long are they?

Clips from "Spongebob Squarepants", "Ratatouille", and "Battlestar Galactica" courtesy of Nickelodeon. Yes, all of them.

NINE MINUTES!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

That's, like, a tenth of the movie!

Stills from "King Kong", "League from 20,000 Fathoms", and "Godzilla" courtesy of the Easter Egg production Company

That's it, I'm leaving. By the time these credits are over, I'll be older than God.

Whisper backwards: "Hey… let's put something at the end of the credits backwards… There are people out there insane enough to decipher it. What nerds! And, once we catch them playing it backwards, we'll sue them for pirating. Haha, they'll be so- wait, is the microphone on? Oh, geez, uh, let me-"

**END MOVIE**


End file.
